Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

“One should never name drop”

The Queen told me that

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”