Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
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Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
grandparents are too precious for this world
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.