I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
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hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175