I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
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Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I bet
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers