Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
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“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
A recipe for laughter
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
When you’re Kinky but poor
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir