My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
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The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
When I face a minor setback
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂