*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
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Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
sometimes i miss this memes
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!