Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

My daily affirmation

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you