Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”

Monday?
No. Next question.

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺