Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

Me: don’t be hitting!

Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!

Him, 9: you threw a block at me!

Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

Last-minute gift idea!