Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*