Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

Optional boss fight.

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

*exercises sarcastically*