Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

(2022)

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

Herpes is trending, good job people

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.