Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
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When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
Drive like no one is watching.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.