inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
You Might Also Like
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
wish me luck lads
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
when the buffet is more honest than your date
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered