No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
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Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Just got to our Airbnb!
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being