Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK