Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
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Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe