My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
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*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Smile they said.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones