Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?