I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
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I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Can. I. Help. You.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I hope this email finds you in a well
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
cat vs inanimate object
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
My Guy
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin