Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
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I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
ok like just. call me at this point
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
incredible
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.