Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
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Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Unimpressed
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
This rocks
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Natty or not?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
