Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter