Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.