Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

WTF IS THAT!

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.