Are these grass-fed oranges?
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Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Perfection.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing