my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
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STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.