so i’m at the stock market right
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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.