they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
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People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Good Morning.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
May have had one breakfast too many
