Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Why is this me 😫
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
@funTweeters I am at your service….
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.