left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
awkward
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
me refusing to leave twitter
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.