Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

My first son he is wonderful

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.