Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
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[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
I love you to the refrigerator and back
[montage of me giving-up]
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me