Print is alive and well!!!
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I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
fly smarter, not harder
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
No regrets in 2018
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.