Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

Classic German Shepherd 😂

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.