Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

I try

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

Good point.

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.