Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

My love language is deader than Latin

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

it’s a van. how do they not know this

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

I’m putting together a team

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.