Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”