‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
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“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.