Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.