[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
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Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Breaking news:
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
why isn’t he texting back
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”