Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

😆

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.