me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
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I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Today’s Times
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
North and South
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling