Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her