I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
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[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
#SaturdayBears
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Omg 🤣
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
he’ll never suspect a thing
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed