My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
You Might Also Like
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Your honor these allegations are
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine