I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
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On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.