honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
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Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”