After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
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Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Oceanography is all about current events
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches