Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

Based Erika

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

me: can I wish for infinite wishes?

genie: no, you only get 3

me: I wish 3 meant infinite

genie:

me:

genie: *sigh* alright what else?

me: telephones but for dogs.

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

Only 10 more days til Halloween!